My kid threw a tantrum, this is what I did...
Oct 10, 2023
Sofia threw a big tantrum this morning. This is what I did and it wasn’t all good.
I give myself a "B", which happens to be “good enough parenting.”
She refused to put on her sneakers before school, which she needs for gym class. Note: she does not have any extraordinary sensory processing issues, so this was a classic "tantrum" and not a “need" that should be accommodated. She is perfectly capable of putting on her shoes, and doing so in a timely fashion without a fuss is a parental expectation.
I provided clear boundaries and choices. She wasn’t having any of my well-informed parenting tricks.
Time crept on and all 3 kids were going to be late. Growing up with a father who was late for EVERYTHING, probably means I have to own that I tend to have a biological overreaction when I'm not going to be on time. I usually recognize this trigger and self-regulate, today I escalated to anger energy and told her if she didn’t put her shoes on she couldn’t go to school.
Surprise-surprise, that threat didn’t calm her down! (Escalation begets escalation, and mine is the dominant, most influential nervous system in the room... all stuff I know!)
I carried her shoes to the car while she was on the front steps crying. I was 10 feet away, it wasn’t too cold, and she was totally safe within our fenced yard and me in eyesight. But she was not happy about walking to the car in socks and was letting the whole neighborhood know about her feelings!
I got a little distance (again she was safe and in sight) and did fog breathing to calm myself down. I settled down and as I did a neighbor walking her dog came by. I felt judged and embarrassed, which is partly my "stuff" but she definitely looked at me sideways like only a young adult pet owner without kids can.
I glanced at my car and I've never felt so exposed and hypocritical about the bumper sticker on my car from the Kids' School that says “JOY” on it!
My mind raced as I thought to myself, “I’m joyful most of the time, I swear!” LOL. “You have no idea, I’m a really good parent and my kids are really healthy and happy.” “I know attachment theory!” 'I'm a therapist." "You don't understand the back story!"
The ramblings of the monkey mind... yada-yada. Sheesh! The toll we take from ourselves being concerned about what other people think!
And, yet, at the same time, despite all my sem-accurate rationalizations, I was also exposed because I simply wasn’t being my best self. And I knew it. And, that, rightly so, doesn't feel good.
So, I had to brush aside all the inner turmoil - and, not because I care about the condescending neighbor's opinion of me, but because I care about my daughter and being the best Dad I can be - I had to get back to the parenting job at hand.... only better.
I took the edge out of my voice and used more soothing tones to try to cajole Sofia towards the care but she still wasn’t having it. I went towards her, got low to her level, picked her up, and brought her to the car. I modeled breath regulation and firm calmness as I released the tension from my muscles with every exhale and, again no surprise, Sofia started to settle down and mirror the state of my nervous system.
At this point, another woman walked by, a grandmotherly neighbor who is always joyful when I see her, and she smiled and said “One of those mornings.”
I knew she had real life experience and I didn’t feel judged at all by her recognizing the challenging situation. I acknowledged, “Yup,” and got back to the work.
Sofia attempted to negotiate terms the whole drive. I acknowledged her upset and kept extending the length of my exhale so that I was not angry while enforcing the boundaries, which are well known for Sofia and all my kids. I didn't just spring these "rules" on her today.
I took huge breaths when I felt myself dissociate, going into helplessness, dread, and embarrassment. Isn't it amazing that we can literally activate the survival mechanisms in our body meant to protect our lives from imminent threats when we are simply interacting with our children?
I dropped the boys off at school and I brought Sofia home with ne. She was pissed off. But boundaries in parenting are essential. So is following through on our word. So is not allowing our kids to manipulate us with tantrums.
I got her to a safe place inside and because her yelling and crying were activating my frustration again, I took responsibility for my state of being and went to the bathroom to use tools. I did “wringing and packing” and evoked my Creative I-AM.” I chose actions from my Neurological Roadmap to the Future (all stuff we teach in the Future Now Mastermind). I completely changed my state, surrendered tension, and asked inside for the best possible way forward.
I got my whole, best self back online.
Sofia calmed down as will happen when stop adding fuel to the fire. I asked if she wanted a hug. She said yes. She cried and I apologized for using anger energy earlier. She apologized for her role.
I felt the situation was energetically complete and so now there was no further reason to enforce the "rules" rigidly. The lesson was learned and it was time for me to be flexible. I asked if she wanted to reset the day, she said yes. We did some deep breathing together and made a little statement about starting the day over. She put on her shoes and backpack and we set off for school. She sang “Today is a new day” all the way to school, smiling.
I let the teacher know what happened, with full transparency, in case Sofia wanted to talk about it, which I told her and the teacher, she was welcome to do.
When I got home, I delayed getting to work and I went for a walk to the gym and got on the elliptical machine. I am self-employed, so I can make this choice more easily than some people can, perhaps. But I also have three kids, I run my own business, and my wife is away at a family wedding at the time of this happening and my writing about it. So my life is every bit as busy as anyone else’s, but the body-mind that carries my spirit is a PRIORITY so I err to the side of "self-care" as a benefit to myself, others, and all.
To be clear, I didn’t “feel like” going to the gym. I felt like crawling back into bed. But I wanted to let go of what was left over more than I wanted to hide under the covers. When we are upset, no matter what the reasons, it activates the survival part of our being. This means chemicals are coursing through our body that are meant for life or death situations. These chemicals need to be released and expressed (hopefully in ways that not only preserve our lives but also our health and happiness).
So I let my animal body loosen up this tension with some dynamic body movement. Unresolved situations like this, stacked up day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year not only generate a major physical health risk but also detracts majorly from the great joy of being.
As usual with creative parenting, I don’t totally know if I did the right thing. Certainly, at steps, I didn’t. I also know it wasn't convenient for me to drive Sofia home, then back to school. I wasn't sure of the school would judge me for bringing her in late or if Sofia would communicate accurately about what happened. Overall, I think it was a good result and lessons learned, for me and Sofia, with appropriate levels of “consequences”, intense emotions, mistakes, reconciliation, forgiveness, and fresh starts.
What do you think?
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