Marriage need a boost?
Nov 14, 2023
Who do you know in a struggling marriage?
Please continue reading and share with anyone who is. I don’t know of many (any?) happy couples who have not weathered a near-death crisis in their marriage.
Covid presented extraordinary challenges, too, that many families are still reeling from.
Despite all my training and experience, Tania and I went through a really hard time that was complicated by some serious health problems on my end.
It was AWFUL. I was terrified we were going to damage our kids. We could not figure it out. We knew we loved each other but we were stuck in a seriously bad place. Tania urgently reached out to MY mentor despite my pleas for her not to.
"I was embarrassed and ashamed."
Thank God she did. He gave us the best advice I could ever have imagined and it was NOTHING like ANYTHING I had learned in my two Master’s degrees in Psychology or beyond.
We are now better than ever… love and trust… an unshakeable bond intact and just yesterday an old friend from college commented about what a strong and admirable marriage Tania and I have. He noted, "You guys are truly partners."
It was not easy at first. But what we did to get out of the worst of it WORKS. It took about 3 months to be back on solid ground.
Once we were solid I started putting the pieces together about what we actually did. I realized it wasn’t only what my mentor suggested, we also brought in elements from my thousands of hours counseling clients as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and Tania’s grounded wisdom from her innate spiritual sense.
I have come to see how ineffective typical couples counseling can be, and why men, in particular, are so resistant to it – because it doesn’t work! So much so that I even quit being a therapist at one point until I realized I could make the best of both the coaching and therapy worlds work together!
Almost every person who contacts me for couples counseling says, "We need help communicating."
But, here's the thing: You can understand, validate, and consciously communicate until you are blue in the face! If you don’t have a way to change your CHEMISTRY and REWIRE your nervous system you will keep hurting each other and won’t ever FEEL the love and trust. Knowing we are loved, is totally different than FEELING the love, and when the nervous system is too often "stressed" we turn off the parts of ourselves that FEEL love and trust.
It’s been a while since I launched my first online group where I guide couples through this 3-month process, called the Relating Renaissance.
THIS IS FOR “ALL-IN” COUPLES
- Couples who love each other & want to make it work
- Couples who have experienced success in their life and are willing to make bold decisions and powerful changes
- Couples who don’t “just” want to stay together because it’s “the right thing to do” but who also insist on being happy and in love.
THIS IS NOT FOR
- People who want to “process” and “process” without doing tangible work to change
- People who aren’t going to show up ready and willing
- People who are going to entertain all their “reasons” why they “can’t”
The first time I ran this program, I realized people might have some resistance to addressing these matters in an online group.
But we found it's incredibly healing to get over the shame and learn, firsthand, that EVERY couple goes through this stuff. The great couples just go ALL the way THROUGH it. But too often these days, people bail at the crisis point, which is actually the crucible that will take their relationship to the next level... what I call: back to better than ever - which is a decision we make when we choose to "do the work."
We were blown away by how helpful it is to benefit from the group dynamic. Some of the most treasured GEMS clients take away from this process come through the questions and coaching they indirectly witness between another couple and me.
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Another surprise for me was that the online format produced BETTER results than my in-person work.
It’s Zoom with strangers that you aren’t going to run into at the post office, and you don't have to ever interact with them again if you feel so inclined… at the same time, it’s a safe space to connect with people in the same boat as you are and the balance between “enough intimacy” and “not too close to home” yields a perfect ROI.
So, you might be wondering, “Will this be worth the investment?"
The real question to ask in my opinion is “Will this work?” Because really, let’s face it, if it will save your marriage, or protect your kids from the impact of not feeling totally in love with your partner, it is BEYOND worth it.
"The bigger question may be, “Am I willing to make it work?”
Sure, you can ask me questions about my experience, education, skills, tools, etc. And you should. But, again, the bigger question may be, “Am I willing to do what it takes to get back to better than ever?"
Take the Surviving to Thriving Pathway
If you want to go a bit further in this work, check out the Surviving to Thriving Pathway, for 10, 10-minute videos with written summaries delivered to your email that will give you the foundation you need to heal and thrive.
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